Coming to Terms with Reality

It has been quite sometime since I sat down and blogged but it is not for lack of wanting to or just forgetting about it.  Rather, I have been having a lot of personal battles and debates about letting everyone in on the real me.  I continually worry that if I air my problems for all to read, then it will seem like I am attention seeking which is far from the truth.  My decision to finally remove the mask and blog freely comes out of determination to be free and to be healthy; to feel as though I have vowed to so many to change my ways for the better that if I don’t then I have failed all. I have given glimpses to you through my blogging but not the full picture.  I don't think this is something I could do if I were to face each of you in person tomorrow but having some distance has allowed me to get to this point.

However, before I get into me, let me tell you about my family and how all are doing.  Jade is loving her activities which are soccer, sportball, gymnastics, hip hop dance and now skating in lieu of swimming.  I think every kid her age here can skate and she is stoked to be learning, “I am going to be on the Oilers or the Nucks but Daddy doesn’t like the drip team”.  She had her first dance recital before Christmas and the issue of me not knowing how to do hair and make up is about to be resolved as they are holding a mandatory course on hair and make up for the parents….ahhhh.  Charlie is a huge handful and naughty, naughty, naughty.  If she isn’t climbing up everything then she is sure to be into something whether it be the garbage, toilet or dressers.  The other day, it was the Keurig cups which she found, poked a hole in the top and tried to drink.  She is a little escapee as well; any chance she has, she bolts if we are out or climbs under the gates at home, all the while evilly laughing.  Ted is now working with a different unit which he started after Christmas, 1 Service Battalion.  He went on a short exercise in the field for 10 days in October and will possibly be heading out for a longer on in the spring.  Last week he had two of his wisdom teeth pulled which meant no kisses from Jade because she does not do well with injury.  Ted and Jade have become obsessed (well re-obsessed for Ted) with Lego; the music/office room has become inundated with Lego projects.  I still have my passion for cooking and baking....not only for family to enjoy but me as well. 

We were all able to make it to Vancouver for Christmas but didn’t do much visiting so I apologize to all.  We saw family both in North Van and on the island and did some relaxing.  It is always tough leaving, most of all for Jade as she struggles with missing grandma and grandpa. 

 

As for me, well here goes nothing.  I did a lot of thinking and self reflection over the Christmas break and realized some things about myself that were not so great.  It is hard to write this as I have been so good (well I thought I was good) at concealing the truth from those around me and making things seem okay.  It is time for me to be honest, authentic and rid myself of the various masks I wear.  Nearly 15 yrs. of living life in denial and not willing to come to terms with where I am health wise and what I need to do.  Most know of my history of anorexia, that is a known fact, what is not known is that I have been struggling a long time.  It was so easy to conceal where I was at as I was able to maintain a fairly healthy physical appearance and talk the talk.  I can’t do it anymore, I can’t be fake to my family, friends and most importantly a fake mom.  My two girls deserve more than what they have in me and I need to step up to the role.   I have toed the line of being healthy for so long, mostly staying above but never free and with a few dips.  I had accepted that anorexia was apart of me, forever will be and there is nothing I can do but just live life and cope.  This is a crock of shit and time to let go…. I can be better, I can be free and I can be happy; I don’t need to live a lie nor do I need to succumb to the social stigma of mental illness and live in hiding.  Everyday is a battle not only with anorexia but with anxiety.  Sometimes I don’t know what is the truth anymore and whether I have just convinced myself this is how it is or that I don’t like something.  Other times I will do something and know deep down that it is wrong but just figure giving in is a lot easier than fighting.  I don’t need to lie to family and friends or try to convince them I am healthy, that mask needs to be gone.  This is who I am, not happy with who I have become but at least now I believe I can make changes.   It is so easy to avoid things, tell people I am all good, work the job, play the sports; it is hell to face the demons, admit to failures, lies and mistakes but I have to if I truly want recovery and a better life not only for me but those around me.  Everyday has been a constant battle in my head, worrying about the fight with anorexia, worrying about being good enough in all I do, worried about being liked, worried about what others think…. constantly worrying.  I don’t know if I can be free of the worry but I can hopefully alleviate the battle with anorexia.  Unfortunately, I do realize that I haven’t fought the hardest battle yet or made it over the biggest hurdle but I am determined and have the support to do it.  I fought for my life over 16 yrs. ago and now it is time to fight for more than just the air we breathe but rather for happiness and health.  It terrifies the shit out of me that anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness so why the fuck am I only coming to terms with things now and wanting to battle until I am completely free?  Guess it was easy to think I was all good and this was life, I have a bachelor’s degree, I have a husband who loves me as me and I have two amazing children.  Why the fuck have I not been able to let go of these demons and move on?  There probably is no clear answer for that but it pains me that I have not fought hard enough.  It kills me the most that I have lied to and manipulated family and friends…. all for something that makes me unhappy and riddled with guilt and remorse.  I am sincerely sorry to all those who have been so supportive and kind to me through the years for the lies and deception.  I can’t do it anymore, you now know the real me and I am here to battle for my future.  This is going to be a fucking hard battle and the beginning has already been more difficulty then I let myself believe it would be but it has to be done, if not for myself than my two girls.  They need a happy, healthy and thriving mom and the DESERVE nothing less than that.  It is time to be an honest daughter, wife and mother.  

Whoa, ok, I am done my rambling and I hope it made some sort of sense.  I vow to be a better person, to fight harder and make 2016 a new beginning.