Changing Things Up

I apologize for the previously depressing and woe is me blogs.  I have decided to change things up a bit and will be focusing more on the girls and their adventures.  Give you all back home a chance to follow their lives and sometimes the havoc they cause, lol.

Jade had a great 5^th birthday and it was probably the first real party with nothing but lots of kids her age and one that she will remember.  She now walks around telling us all how she is the real 5 and how much she has grown.  Jade is still loving her gymnastics and dance which are both nearly done for the summer.  She is also loving t-ball and all the friends she has there…I, on the other hand, find it very disorganized but hey, what matters most is Jade is having fun and liking it.  Unlike last summer, there is absolutely no fear bike riding and is tearing around the neighbourhood and is now trying the no training wheels thing.  Jade continues to have a wickedly awesome love of life and can be the sweetest girl with her constant saying I love you and all the drawings she does. Not to mention when she comes to my softball games, she is the biggest cheerleader there and lets everyone know where her mommy is.  Last week she randomly decided she needed to have a clean room so on her own, went upstairs, made her bed and tidied up.  Sweet girl was so proud of herself and tells us she will be keeping it that way.  I am a little sad though because last night she told me she wants to get rid of all her boy toys…no….my little tomboy is slipping away.  Between the constant gymnastics in the house and princess dress up I really shouldn’t be surprised.  Oh grandma will finally have the little girly girl she never had with Ashlee and I.  Although, she still does love the Lego which her and Ted are pretty obsessed with.

As for Charlie, well Charlie likes to give heart attacks and cause nothing but trouble.  Whether it be cleaning her hair in the toilet, throwing food everywhere or finding Jade’s felt pens and colouring everything, including herself, or her favourite of running away any chance she gets with her cackling laugh, there is never a dull moment.  I am really hoping we get a fence for the yard soon because we turn our heads for one second and she is running off, usually to the road.  Oh, and she now dives into the bath as we are about to dry her off and shiats in the tub.  I guess that is easier to clean up for me but not nice when Jade is in there with her.  Like her sister, Charlie also has a love of dancing and singing so between the two of them there is almost always a show going on in the family room.  Like most kids these days, Charlie is found a love for Paw Patrol and loves to try to say Marshall.  The kid never stops talking and totally engages in conversation but usually no one knows what she is saying.  Best news of all, two mornings in a row she has slept in past 6am and forgone the 5am wake ups…. woooohooo!!!  Sure hope I didn’t just jinx myself.  

After my birthday, the girls and I took a road trip back to North Vancouver to spend the last time we ever will in my childhood home.  It was too short of a visit so really didn’t see many people but got to go through some of my childhood things and let Jade bring some home.  She mainly picked some beanie babies and of all things, they brought the Pee-wee Herman doll home…. CREEPY doll.  Jade got some great quality time with Aunty Ashlee in getting their nails done and hanging out together.  Aunty Ashlee was required to sleep over almost every night and if she didn’t then Jade felt Grandpa should be kicked out of his bed so she can sleep with Grandma.  It was a really nice visit with some sorting out and time spent together.  Of course, Jade didn’t want to come home as her heart is with grandma so looking at letting her spend a little alone time with them all during the summer.  The only crappy part of the trip was the drive back and the blown tire on the Coquihalla.  Of course the girls loved the adventure as they are very curious and it meant making the trip 2 days with a hotel stay versus the intended one stay. 

We are considering doing some camping this summer but I don’t know if I can handle it with Charlie.  She will be climbing out of the tent and exploring the woods on her own.  Maybe there’ll be some camping with Jade as she is always wanting to go.  Every time she talks about camping, Jade reminds us that we need to bring marshmallows and need to make smores.  The girl knows what is important when camping. 

On that note I should run because I don’t see Charlie (she was watching a show while I typed) and it is very quiet…probably having a toilet paper party in the washroom.

An Uneventful Peek into Our Life

Yet again it has been quite sometime since I blogged and honestly I think about it but just avoid it. I’ll be very honest here, and say most of this one will be focusing on my monkey princess’.

Jade finished skating lessons in March and loved them.  She is bogeying along the ice and asking to get out again.  I am thinking we may give ringette a shot in the fall to get the skating up and get her on a team as she looves the friends aspect.  Jade also continues to do gymnastics and dance runs for another month.  Soccer finished up and Jade chose to give t-ball a shot and is also loooving that.  She also just finished another set of swimming lessons but this girl likes to be the first to finish and who cares about technique, lol; she is getting better though.  Jade is a busy girl but pretty much looks forward to going to it all; of course a lot of the interest is seeing friends.  The girl is still full of energy, getting a little attitude and has a true love of life.  She still has moments of shyness but those are becoming fewer and often reserved for people that she sees as not being that nice.  My word though, this girl loves her make up and is constantly asking me for some but as you all know I own the most minimalist amount possible to get by.  The lipstick has to be before leaving and her purse now comes everywhere…. not just as a fashion item but she actually pulled it out at DQ the other day to pay.  Pretty exciting that she starts kindergarten next year and Jade is oober excited.  My little girl is growing up and is often wanting to be with friends over family.  At t-ball the other night, I was helping out but the only parent whose kid went in another group, lol.  It’s been reassuring to hear the continuous mentions of her, “excuse me” and “please” and “thank yous”.  Guess this means we are doing something right and haven’t completely failed on her. I would have to say she is right when she said “I am my mommy’s best friend”.  She can sometimes put me over the notch but in times of need she is there in an instant full of love and a real jokester.  I can’t believe she is going to be 5 this coming week…..ahhhhhhh.  The best ever though, you can now tell that one of my daughters is actually mine, lol

The other one, ya, you know her by the name of Charlie, is, as Jade says “so crazy”.  This girl has no boundaries and no fears.  She is that child that likes to put things on her face and walk around blindly…. until she meets the couch or cupboard.  She opens every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen (figured out the child locks) and pulls it all out.  Trying to cook the other night, she found the junk drawer and it was everywhere including erasable marker all over her face.  If you don’t hear Charlie, she is up to something whether it be stealing everyone’s shoes, in the garbage or sneaking something of Jades.  We seriously have to look in the garbage before we through anything out to make sure she hasn’t put anything non garbage like my phone or Jade’s shoe in.  She is definitely trouble with a capital T.  She loves throwing all her food on the ground but has no issue stealing someone else’s and savouring every bite.  I can’t believe how big she is getting and will be 2 in September.  She loves to sing but what she is exactly singing is a mystery except for “Let It GO”.  Her new saying is “what you doing’?  My gosh though, these 5am wake up 7 days a week is catching upon me, lol. Isn’t the second child supposed to have less energy than the first or is that just something I was really hoping would come true?

We have been very fortunate to have found a warm and loving day home for the girls when needed and if it were up to her, Jade would be there daily. They go there with smiles and come home with smiles, what else could a mom want?  If we are out and see Christal’s car, Jade has a little party of excitement about seeing them.  So so so relieving to have this available for us.

As you all know we went to Mexico and met my parents there.  For me, it was one of the best vacations in a long long long time.  Everyone was busy and happy; I of course got burned to the point it flipping hurt to walk.  I put suncscreen on so \I think my only option now is to stay in the shade…ugh.  There girls spent as much time as they possibly could in the pool and providing entertainment.  Jade is done with the life jacket and so Charlie wears it and just floats and flips herself around.  More than one person remarked on them being some of the best entertainment during their stage.  Jade attached to my moms side the entire time they were there with us so thy got in some good bonding. 

Ted is working in one of the armouries in South Edmonton and trucking along, learning and advancing.  With all these forest fires already breaking out, they have all been told they could be heading out to help at anytime so we will get mentally prepared for that.  He is dealing with his back again but should be good to go soon with all the physio.  Ted and Jade continue their obsession of Lego and have set up tables in a little room downstairs.

As for me, well, I am just motoring along.  Taking things one day at a time and hoping for brighter times.  My girls deserve so much more and I can’t seem to be able to give him the nice mom they deserve.  I know Jade tells me I am the best mom a lot but I don’t feel she knows any better.  She has the biggest heart and is a great care taker.  She makes me laugh lots, especially when her friend’s moms keep telling me how Jade says I can fix anything because I am a doctor.  As some parts of life get better with more support, other parts that I have really worked hard to suppress get harder and more vicious thus making the days tougher to get through. I am really learning how mental health can truly destroy someone’s soul and without support kill it.  I honestly don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for these two monkeys in my life.  My main priority is making sure the girls have what they need and are able to get out with friends to do activities but I would love them to have a mom who smiled more and wasn’t so preoccupied in her own head and struggles.  Don’t get me wrong, they don’t have an awful life, I just am not the mom I expect of myself nor I want to be.  Any who, I am not going to go into all this, no time.

Hope everyone is enjoying the pics of the girls as they make me smile so hope they do for you as well. 

Coming to Terms with Reality

It has been quite sometime since I sat down and blogged but it is not for lack of wanting to or just forgetting about it.  Rather, I have been having a lot of personal battles and debates about letting everyone in on the real me.  I continually worry that if I air my problems for all to read, then it will seem like I am attention seeking which is far from the truth.  My decision to finally remove the mask and blog freely comes out of determination to be free and to be healthy; to feel as though I have vowed to so many to change my ways for the better that if I don’t then I have failed all. I have given glimpses to you through my blogging but not the full picture.  I don't think this is something I could do if I were to face each of you in person tomorrow but having some distance has allowed me to get to this point.

However, before I get into me, let me tell you about my family and how all are doing.  Jade is loving her activities which are soccer, sportball, gymnastics, hip hop dance and now skating in lieu of swimming.  I think every kid her age here can skate and she is stoked to be learning, “I am going to be on the Oilers or the Nucks but Daddy doesn’t like the drip team”.  She had her first dance recital before Christmas and the issue of me not knowing how to do hair and make up is about to be resolved as they are holding a mandatory course on hair and make up for the parents….ahhhh.  Charlie is a huge handful and naughty, naughty, naughty.  If she isn’t climbing up everything then she is sure to be into something whether it be the garbage, toilet or dressers.  The other day, it was the Keurig cups which she found, poked a hole in the top and tried to drink.  She is a little escapee as well; any chance she has, she bolts if we are out or climbs under the gates at home, all the while evilly laughing.  Ted is now working with a different unit which he started after Christmas, 1 Service Battalion.  He went on a short exercise in the field for 10 days in October and will possibly be heading out for a longer on in the spring.  Last week he had two of his wisdom teeth pulled which meant no kisses from Jade because she does not do well with injury.  Ted and Jade have become obsessed (well re-obsessed for Ted) with Lego; the music/office room has become inundated with Lego projects.  I still have my passion for cooking and baking....not only for family to enjoy but me as well. 

We were all able to make it to Vancouver for Christmas but didn’t do much visiting so I apologize to all.  We saw family both in North Van and on the island and did some relaxing.  It is always tough leaving, most of all for Jade as she struggles with missing grandma and grandpa. 

 

As for me, well here goes nothing.  I did a lot of thinking and self reflection over the Christmas break and realized some things about myself that were not so great.  It is hard to write this as I have been so good (well I thought I was good) at concealing the truth from those around me and making things seem okay.  It is time for me to be honest, authentic and rid myself of the various masks I wear.  Nearly 15 yrs. of living life in denial and not willing to come to terms with where I am health wise and what I need to do.  Most know of my history of anorexia, that is a known fact, what is not known is that I have been struggling a long time.  It was so easy to conceal where I was at as I was able to maintain a fairly healthy physical appearance and talk the talk.  I can’t do it anymore, I can’t be fake to my family, friends and most importantly a fake mom.  My two girls deserve more than what they have in me and I need to step up to the role.   I have toed the line of being healthy for so long, mostly staying above but never free and with a few dips.  I had accepted that anorexia was apart of me, forever will be and there is nothing I can do but just live life and cope.  This is a crock of shit and time to let go…. I can be better, I can be free and I can be happy; I don’t need to live a lie nor do I need to succumb to the social stigma of mental illness and live in hiding.  Everyday is a battle not only with anorexia but with anxiety.  Sometimes I don’t know what is the truth anymore and whether I have just convinced myself this is how it is or that I don’t like something.  Other times I will do something and know deep down that it is wrong but just figure giving in is a lot easier than fighting.  I don’t need to lie to family and friends or try to convince them I am healthy, that mask needs to be gone.  This is who I am, not happy with who I have become but at least now I believe I can make changes.   It is so easy to avoid things, tell people I am all good, work the job, play the sports; it is hell to face the demons, admit to failures, lies and mistakes but I have to if I truly want recovery and a better life not only for me but those around me.  Everyday has been a constant battle in my head, worrying about the fight with anorexia, worrying about being good enough in all I do, worried about being liked, worried about what others think…. constantly worrying.  I don’t know if I can be free of the worry but I can hopefully alleviate the battle with anorexia.  Unfortunately, I do realize that I haven’t fought the hardest battle yet or made it over the biggest hurdle but I am determined and have the support to do it.  I fought for my life over 16 yrs. ago and now it is time to fight for more than just the air we breathe but rather for happiness and health.  It terrifies the shit out of me that anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness so why the fuck am I only coming to terms with things now and wanting to battle until I am completely free?  Guess it was easy to think I was all good and this was life, I have a bachelor’s degree, I have a husband who loves me as me and I have two amazing children.  Why the fuck have I not been able to let go of these demons and move on?  There probably is no clear answer for that but it pains me that I have not fought hard enough.  It kills me the most that I have lied to and manipulated family and friends…. all for something that makes me unhappy and riddled with guilt and remorse.  I am sincerely sorry to all those who have been so supportive and kind to me through the years for the lies and deception.  I can’t do it anymore, you now know the real me and I am here to battle for my future.  This is going to be a fucking hard battle and the beginning has already been more difficulty then I let myself believe it would be but it has to be done, if not for myself than my two girls.  They need a happy, healthy and thriving mom and the DESERVE nothing less than that.  It is time to be an honest daughter, wife and mother.  

Whoa, ok, I am done my rambling and I hope it made some sort of sense.  I vow to be a better person, to fight harder and make 2016 a new beginning.