"Let It Go"

Ok, it is flipping cold here lately so going outside is not often on the agenda and cabin fever is building up.  Those who know me know sitting for extended periods of time without activity kills me so going days on end has been torture; however, going out in -23 weather would be probably worse.  It did manage to warm up a bit today to -10, -19 with the wind chill so Ted and I took the girls out on their sled and went for a little walk.  It was short, but very nice to get out.   

Being stuck inside leaves me far too much time with my own mind and lots of thoughts and worries start to arise.  Sometimes I wish I could just have a new brain and not have to deal with my own thoughts and worries.  I think sometimes I find things to worry about if I have nothing as it just doesn't feel right. I sure hope these two girls of mine don't follow in my footsteps and can be a little more free than I.  I swear my brain never shuts off, running 24/7 without hesitation.  Every decision, every action, every reaction, I need to think about and analyze....don't want to make the wrong move or the analyzing is 100x worse. If someone questions me, no harm intended, maybe because they are curious of why I did what I did, I automatically start regretting my words/actions.

I have no doubt everyone has heard of Frozen, if not seen it several times.  Of course with a 3.5 yr old we listen to the soundtrack daily and honestly, I am not complaining as I quite like it.  I think part of me liking it is, as cliche as it sounds, because I can really identify with the theme song as I am sure several others can as well.

"Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know"

I spend so much of my time not letting anyone in to seeing the real me.  I have always been the good girl, never doing anything wrong and if I did do something wrong I was absolutely terrified of being caught.  For me, this had nothing to do with being scared of my parents or what they would do if they caught me as my parents were pretty laid back.  They instilled great values and morals with Ashlee and I but were never harsh or fear inducing.  Wearing a mask is what I do best; very few people can see past that mask and know when I am trying to hide.  I always worry if I do say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing everyone will know and I would be soooo embarrassed.  To me, if I am embarrassed it means I fear showing my face because I feel like such an idiot.  That being said, when it comes to work related things or involving others, I can admit I am wrong or that I made a mistake.  The embarrassment more comes from things that I had a choice of doing, if that makes any sense.

Being in a town where I barely know anyone means my mask is rarely taken off. Sure at home I can be me but even then it is sometimes hard and being the perceived me is just better for all.  This journey will be full of roller coaster as living in the military often equates to moving to new towns and thus having to meet new people and find new jobs quite frequently.

I am only four months into my maternity leave and here I am worrying about going back to work; worrying about when the time comes that I have to seek out a new position in a new town....so many thoughts run through my head and I just worry, worry, worry.  WTF, can't I just focus on my life now and not down the road; does everything have to be preplanned and set up months in advance?   I can only seem to dream of being able to "let it go".

With all that said and how I feel, I do strive to hide it all from Jade and Charlie.  They don't need to know the struggles I have nor do they need to see them.  These two amazing girls deserve a mom who is not scared to do anything and says what is needed without question.   I guess Jade has been good for me in terms of that as I have had to force myself to drop the mask sometimes and just go; however, that isn't to say that when I come home and it is quiet, I don't rehash things in my own head.  Now that there is Jade and Charlie, I am no doubt going to be forced out of my hole much more often than I have ever been or ever wanted to be.  Not to mention Ted pushes me to talk a lot more and stop trying to do everything on my own.  It's weird though, because, like I said, I have no reason to fear what others think of me and I also have no reason to do everything on my own.  Not once growing up was I ever chastised or humiliated by parents; rather they were always encouraging and very positive...hmmmmm.  In fact, I got the nickname "Kirby" in high school after my mom bought me a book of encouragement written by Kirby Puckett.  That was one of many positive, encouraging trinkets she has given me over the years.

Jade and Charlie are happy little girls, constantly laughing and giggling....and....farting...the little girly girls that they are.  Jade has her obsession with Cars and Charlie with putting whatever she can in her mouth, in her mouth.  When the two of them are together, they may not be able to converse in everyday English but the sounds they make and the smiles that light up the room are heart warming.  I am one very proud mama.

I saw this meme on someone's Facebook wall the other day how those who have left us sometimes open the door to say hi.  My gosh has this ever been true these past few nights.  With the anniversary of my grandma's death on coming up, I have had dreams about her that leave me waking up not sure what the heck just happened.  She always makes her presence known though through Jade and the way Jade looooves butter with a little bread.  Exactly as my grandma would do, leave a piece of butter near them and it will be gone instantly without needing anything to go with it.

I am sitting here on Jade's Thomas board with race tracks on the other side of my computer and Charlie bouncing in her jolly jumper blowing bubbles and slobbering like crazy.   Ah the life of a mom, lol....the days of having a clean house for more than a day are gone for quite sometime.  

Alrighty, on that note I shall bid you adieu and go get Jade ready for bed.  Again, thank you for all the positive words and encouragement.  I am still pretty hesitant to put any of this out there but once I force myself to press send, there is no turning back.

"To believe you can is everything"